Sunday, November 13, 2011

Self-loathing in Lehi or Bringing Awesome Back

Welp, here we are.

It's been roughly 4 months since my last post. Whoa.

I had really high hopes of posting my adventures while I was in Europe, but as anyone who has travelled will tell you, when deciding between sitting in front of a computer writing about Europe or actually going out and experiencing Europe, you choose the latter. Curious about my trip? Well, keep checking back here because I plan on trickling in posts about my trip over then next month or so.

In the mean time, I would like to vent. Vent and also just declare a few things about my life.

You see, I am in what some would call a rut. A pickle, a funk, a humdrum experience, a vortex of doom, if you will. And I'm sick of it. I'm done with it. It is not serving me, and it has gone on long enough. So by telling you fine people about it, I hoping that I can get it out of my system and move on.

Europe and Morocco was unreal. It was heaven. Besides being away from Chris for so long, it was the best thing ever. Everyday was new, exciting, and totally out of my comfort zone in the best possible way. Coming home to Chris and my dog was beyond lovely, but I also came home to a clean slate.

At first this "clean slate" excited me. I was done with school, we had just moved to a new city, there were new surroundings to explore, possibilities galore. But after getting rejected from potential jobs and realizing that my new city can be explored in an afternoon, I found myself sitting at home all day watching Grey's Anatomy. That's right people, I watched 7 seasons of overly dramatic surgeons doing each other in only 2 short months.

It hasn't been all bad, though. I started working a few shifts in the spa at my massage school, which has been fun. I have a few clients come to my house. A poem of mine just got published. I am working on a book with my yoga teacher, who has also asked me to be a teaching assistant in Costa Rica at her teacher training. I now have my own logo and website going on at, which took me forever and I'm really proud of it. I got to take a fun trip with Chris home to Fargo and Minnesota. And American Fork Canyon is only 10 minutes from my house.

But, I have been putting my life on hold to be available for a job that I really wanted and thought for sure I would get. I recently found out I did not get the job, and the two months of waiting around and clearing my schedule was for nothing. Well, not nothing. I did watch 7 seasons of Grey's Anatomy.

So here I am again. Clean slate still relatively clean. But instead of feeling excited about it I'm feeling lazy, rejected, and insanely bored. I found myself being envious of the grocery store janitor because at least they had something to do and a place to be. I guess I could be a janitor at my own house, but I'm also learning that I really suck at being a housewife.

"Well with all of this free time, haven't you been filling it with fun activities and things you love?" you might be asking. And I have been to a certain extent. But you have to understand something about me, I need some sort of structure. Without it, I am embarrassingly unmotivated. If nothing kicks me out of bed in the morning I think, "Laying here feels nice. I will just do this for a while until I have to go pee or get really hungry... I could play the guitar today, but what will I play? Oh I don't know. I suck at the guitar anyway... I'll just watch one episode and then take a shower...Ok one more episode... Just one more, promise..." And then Chris is home from work and we hang out until it's time for bed. But I can't sleep because I slept in and have expended little to no energy during the day. So I stay up late surfing the internet and telling myself what a load of crap I am until I fall asleep on the couch. At about 4 or 5 am I wake up because I'm uncomfortable on the couch with the lights on and somehow plop myself into bed. And let's not even talk about my diet of pumpkin cookies and pasta.

And so, ladies and gentleman, this must end. I declare that it is officially over. I'm taking my life back from the deadly claws of depression and crappy TV dramas. Because of this state I've been in the last few months I have made some poor decisions that I can't take back, and I've settled for a standard of living that is nothing close to what I want for myself. This is not me. This is not who I am. I have worked too hard to let my life be nothing short awesome.

So here's to being awesome. And I do mean having some of awe.

And I do have a game plan. Boy, do I have a game plan. But this post is getting long, and I have things to do! So, stay tuned for my "walking the walk" game plan. It's going to be big.

And thanks for reading. If you've made it to the end of this post, I salute you. 

1 comment:

jessica said...

I am so sorry you have been in a is so hard to get out of one! I'm sending you a huge hug just for acknowledging it. My best advice for getting out of a funk...go serve people. Go to a shelter, go sing at a nursing home...find out what other opportunities are in your area. It's the best way to forget yourself. You have way to much to offer to waste your precious life on Grey's!!!!